Bottom of the Barrel

Every list has a top and a bottom. Auto journalists spend a lot of time discussing the vehicles that peak the charts, be they the safest, fastest or most reliable or get the best gas mileage. There's reason for celebration on those fronts, because on average today's cars are safer, faster, better built and more efficient than ever before.

But little attention is paid to the vehicles that land on the bottom of those lists — the vehicles that scrape along in the rut where automakers invest just enough in improvements to avoid running afoul of government regulations.

Because plenty of brilliant vehicles are available at every price and in every automotive class, we think it's worth taking a moment to stop and wag an accusatory finger at the precarious, the slow, the untrustworthy and the wasteful vehicles that provide maximum disappointment.

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Crash Test Dummies

We'll start by saying that this assessment won't be entirely fair, since the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration crash-test ratings that we mined for this list aren't fair. The agency smashes relatively few vehicles each year, and those that fall to the bottom should be viewed with the caveat that there may be far more dangerous vehicles that haven't yet been wired up with sensors and driven into a wall. Regardless, most vehicles that go through NHTSA's crash tests post impressive 4- and 5-star ratings, so we're still willing to huff out a hearty harrumph to any car that posts crash numbers below three stars.

Honda Civic
We'll be honest; the Civic's results are confusing to us. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety cited this compact car as a top safety pick for 2011, but NHTSA's tests paint a darker picture. While the Civic gets a not-too-shabby 4-star rating for front-impact collisions, it gets a chilling two stars for side-impact collisions. For the sixth-best-selling vehicle in the United States, this is unacceptable.

Compare: Honda Civic vs. Ford Focus vs. Volkswagen Jetta

Nissan Versa
Like the Civic, only worse, the affordable Versa hatchback gets only three stars from NHTSA for frontal collisions and a miserable two stars for side collisions. So basically you're screwed if you're in a head-on crash.

Ford Ranger
A perfect combination of rollover risk — three stars, while most trucks and SUVs get at least four — and terrible occupant protection — two stars — the Ranger pickup can turn an everyday collision into a dangerous double-whammy.

Read:  5 Great Excuses for Buying a Truck

Mercedes-Benz Sprinter
OK, just one look at this tall, cumbersome, road-going box should make it completely unsurprising that the thing is tippy. But still, this commercial van got a rollover rating of one star. That's the lowest NHTSA rating of any kind we could find. In fact, the next-lowest performer in the rollover tests, the Ford E-350 van, was given only a 30.6 percent risk of rolling over during NHTSA's tests, while the Sprinter received an astounding 84.3 percent risk. Don't take any tight turns at speed.

Slow Pokes

There was a time when our collective lust for horsepower knew no limits, when no red-blooded American would have chosen a thrifty 4-cylinder engine when a beefy V6 or V8 could deliver gobs of acceleration. But $4 a gallon for gasoline and a slow-motion environmental apocalypse has reset our priorities. However, it doesn't mean we should accept turtlelike performance. Many automakers have learned to engineer acceptable acceleration out of efficient vehicles; then again, some haven't, so let's make fun of the latter.

smart fortwo
These tiny, 2-person, 3-cylinder, fuel-efficient coupes and cabriolets seem like a great idea until you drive them. Sure, they're easy to park, but with only 70 horsepower on tap, they are so slow that cyclists will pass you by. We know that these things are meant as city cars, and that highway driving is clearly not meant to be their forte, but zero to 60 mph in 13 seconds? Come on. The starting price of $12,490 for a fortwo sounds like a bargain, until you realize that for only $710 more, you can get a Ford Fiesta that carries four people, plus their bags, and has a 120-horsepower 4-cylinder engine that gets similar gas mileage, up to 40 mpg highway.

Ford Transit Connect
This affordable little utility van is a wonderfully useful work truck with a pathetically underpowered 2-liter 138-horsepower 4-cylinder engine. It offers stand-up interior space along with easy fold-up, second-row seats to maximize cargo capacity, as well as a host of options for storage. However, it takes this slug more than 12 seconds to reach 60 mph. Of course, nobody's drag-racing utility vans, but given that the design of the Transit Connect allows it to be loaded to the gills with heavy stuff, and that it has the same aerodynamic properties as a rhinoceros, a little more oomph under the hood would certainly be appreciated.

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