Let me preface the headline with a disclaimer: I can’t stand most tuner cars. Lightly modified ones, like those from Dinan, or heavily modified yet tasteful efforts from Saleen are perfect in my book. It’s just that most tuning companies, like the little girl in “Willy Wonka” who bloats into a blueberry, can’t stop once they bite a piece of the candy. Too often, their “creations” become grotesque, mismatched freak shows that subtract all dignity and taste. It’s why the SEMA show in Las Vegas has become a mockery of itself, an annual circus to look at Chrysler 300 pickups and slammed GMC Jimmys.

Aside from the one-offs, many tuner companies, such as Mansory, make a real living out of stuffing orange leather into a Rolls Phantom or putting polka dots on the inside of a Mercedes SLR McLaren; stuff like this is shown at the Geneva Auto Show. That’s not counting all the obnoxious chrome- and gold-plated cars in the United Arab Emirates, the Eterniti Hemera (looks as awful as it sounds) and any number of Hondas in Japan that ate the entire Mugen parts catalog and threw up on themselves. It’s disgusting.

This isn’t to say that people shouldn’t modify their cars or that stock cars are inherently too perfect to change. That’s silly, too. But there’s a way to do it right, without looking like Ron Artest, a Russian mobster or David Beckham. Here are three ways, all of them German.

Alpina B7

Alpina has been racing and modifying BMWs since the late 1960s. After starting a separate winery business, the company registered as a car manufacturer in 1983 -- no easy task under the German Ministry of Transport, which is as strict as it sounds. It’s this honorable distinction that gives tuners such as Alpina direct partnerships with automakers, instead of receiving silent disapproval; Alpinas are sold at BMW dealerships, for example. The company pioneered automated manual transmissions in 1992, years before anyone would try a production dual-clutch transmission, and offered steering-wheel shift controls in 1993. On the styling side, Alpina has always done very little, and that’s what makes the work stand out.

The current B7, a modified 7 Series, features the most beautiful wheels in the entire world: ornate 21-inch rims with no fewer than 20 spokes. The interior replaces the BMW steering wheel badge with the Alpina shield, adds green and blue stitching to the rim, changes the gauges and replaces the wood trim with a special kind found only on the West Coast. The B7 has been the closest thing to the yet-undecided factory M7, with its twin-turbo V8 pushing out 507 horsepower; note that Alpina has been using twin turbos since the late 1980s. Rare and incredibly refined, the Alpina B7 is the luxury car for those lucky enough to know it exists. That’s why I want one.

RUF RGT-8

Like Alpina, RUF is also an official German manufacturer. You may have heard of RUF’s famous CTR, which was nicknamed “Yellowbird” by Road and Track and which Car and Driver was lucky enough to drive this year. In 1987, that car topped out at 212 mph and did zero to 60 in 3.7 seconds. And remember, this was a rear-engine, rear-wheel-drive 911 in 1987, which means it was properly life-threatening. RUF still builds the fastest 911s in existence, with aggressive yet tasteful aero kits and turbos packing 685 horsepower on otherwise normal-looking Porsches.

But RUF’s work doesn’t stop with kits. The automaker remade the 1967 Targa, complete with a steel roll bar and lift-off roof panels, and even threw in a soft-top rear window. It created a midengine, wide-bodied 911, in what looks to be the inspiration for Porsche's upcoming 918 Spyder, that comes with 750 horsepower and a sequential racing gearbox, and that tops out at an insane 236 mph. RUF even made its own all-electric concept, two years before Porsche would unveil its own 911 GT3R Hybrid. In short, the company is a technological marvel that supersedes even the masters in Stuttgart.

Want more proof? This neon green car, the RGT-8, does the impossible. RUF has stuffed a custom flat-crank 8-cylinder engine in a 911. An 8-cylinder 911. The car has 550 horsepower and RUF’s integrated full-body roll cage, which blends into the interior and goes into all RUFs. The company will sell the RGT-8 -- modified on the latest 991 chassis, unlike the 997 prototype shown above -- this year. I'd prefer another color to better avoid police, but that's all the wrong I see in this RUF.

Brabus 800 E V12

Once again, in Brabus we're dealing with a registered German manufacturer. Since 1977, it has specialized in extracting maximum power from Mercedes-Benz vehicles, a sort of insanity that separates it from Renntech, Lorinser, Carlsson and other Benz tuners. The car above is an E-Class fitted with a 6.3-liter twin-turbo V12, a bored version of the stock AMG twin-turbo V12. The result is an E-Class with 790 horsepower, 811 pound-feet of torque (limited from 1,047), and a 230-mph top speed, courtesy, in part, of rear-wheel side skirts that reduce drag.

The E63 AMG is already my favorite sedan on the planet, so the Brabus edition is several galaxies and advanced civilizations away from my comprehension. It appears to be a blacked-out, matte-finish E-Class with a custom leather interior. The red-faced, 400-kph speedometer is the only visible hint of its potential. It costs half a million dollars. My driveway. Now.

Clifford Atiyeh has spent his entire life driving and riding in cars he doesn't own. He was raised in Volvos and has grown to love fast, irresponsible vehicles of all kinds. He lives in Boston, is a member of the New England Motor Press Association, and has reported for The Boston Globe, Car and Driver, Popular Mechanics and The Times of London.